Embrace the wins: When life turns upside down, focus on what you can control

When you enter the building, you are greeted by a child-friendly slide that extends from the second floor down to the first, a calming aquarium, and comfortable rocking chairs perfect for feeding little ones. There is an outdoor playground and much more.

There is also 24-hour tea and coffee available, hot meals, and a lovely room complete with all the amenities that you might need at your disposal. It is comforting to feel that despite your exhaustion and fear, you can rest and relax a little bit, and that as you attempt to embrace your loved ones, you too are being taken care of. This is truly the gift that comes with no price tag.

I sometimes ask, “What is our personal price tag?” I have a very precious, beautiful, sweet, angelic three-year-old grandchild who until very recently was thought to be simply a smiley, adorable, and busy youngster with a more recent cluster of emerging symptoms that the average parent, pediatrician, and ganenet would not have identified as particularly unusual. Suffice it is to say that with the unexpected discovery of an elevated intracranial pressure that was twice normal, our little one was whisked by ambulance to Schneider Children’s Hospital for emergency neurosurgery.

As a result, and in one quick second, my already turned upside-down world went into total spin. I have spent time on the cancer ward in the past while working as a hospital-based clinical psychologist, as a daughter of parents who both had cancer, as an aunt to two nieces, and even as a patient myself, but thankfully never as a grandmother until now.

When you become a grandparent, you think you’ve raised your own children and can almost now sit back, relax, and experience the joy of seeing your children actively doing the parenting. You may even think that your job is to simply watch the little ones grow and hear about the sleepless nights, the terrible twos, the petulant preteens, and other issues all somewhat at a distance and with minimally solicited input.

Perhaps it is just me, but I discovered that while I’ve reached the stage where, in theory, I don’t have to be worried about my children, I now somehow seem to be concerned more than ever about my children and their little kiddies. Double trouble. Imagine my shock at how quickly life changed course yet again.

For those that don’t know, my husband died suddenly this past August. Yes, I certainly have gotten the message loud and clear that in just one moment, life can and does change forever. I knew that once again, I needed to move into the “what” can I do mode and not question the “why.”

Given this new priority, I added myself to the care team and began to reorganize my work schedule and the little bit of my life that I erroneously thought might be within my control. In between work, I tried to help as often as I could because life just doesn’t seem to come in neat little packages when there is a three-year-old patient, a five-and-a-half-year-old sibling, and a tiny seven-week-old infant.

We watched, waited, and tried to navigate life in the Pediatric ICU, the surgery and oncology wards, back to the ICU, the surgery ward, and again oncology, each with their own rules and regulations, trials and tribulations, and with no shortage of concerns. We have sadly all become experts of sorts in living a life that has for now gone off course, that is often a roller coaster of ups and downs, and as of this writing has left us still with so many unanswered questions.

My other helpful lines, “We can only be in control of what we can be in control of” and “It is what it is,” have seemingly been my mantras for far too long. Yet, this has helped enable us to be in the moment, this very moment, and appreciate and embrace each win, no matter how small, because that is exactly what we must hold on to and to do for one another as one big community.

As I was coloring a picture and asked which part I should do next and was pointed to the chosen direction, or got a head nod when asked if something was wanted, or heard a beautiful laugh at something only a three-year-old might think funny, for today and in this moment, I will gladly take it. Suddenly what is important in life shifts in ways we never thought about before, and that in itself is important.

One recent win came when our rabbi initiated a WhatsApp group for people offering rides to the hospital. Reluctant at first but after cab rides with maniac drivers and being propositioned for coffee dates, it is nice beyond words to get into the car before or after a few days in the hospital and to “just be.”

I have learned that people want to help, and while not easy, both my family and I have learned to accept it as graciously as we can. Be it a ride, warm soup, a chocolate bar, Shabbat meals, pickups, sleepovers, tossing a soccer ball, babysitting, washing laundry, and more, please know, those that reach out to others, your continued kindness and even your messages that may be returned with a single emoji give us tremendous strength.

I am grateful, as always, to all of my readers and ask everyone to include Yishai ben Shayna Miriam in your prayers. Together we all can and will make a difference. ■