My husband and I got into a discussion recently about why we both felt a heaviness that seemed even greater than usual.
Yes, there was Tisha B’Av, and it resonated with us more than ever us this year, as it reminded us once again of the depth of our country’s current issues. As we sat reading on our low chairs, we felt such tremendous pain at the similarities between what was then and what is now. The latest pictures of our hostages are devastating.
We have also counted more than 12 friends or family members between the ages of two and 92 who have recently had medical problems – some more and some less serious, but all requiring visits to doctors or hospitalization. I include myself as well, although in many ways my issues were the easiest to deal with. That said, no medical issue is a nothing.
Recently, I had surgery on my non-dominant hand. It left me with stitches, bandages halfway up my forearm, and my arm in a sling.
Having broken my right arm as a third grader, I had eight weeks of learning how to write with my left hand. Having broken a bone in my right hand as an adult, I occasionally still find notes written with my left hand.
As a proven expert in wrapping my hand to take a shower, I discovered that I could do a lot with one hand. But definitely not everything: Try opening a tube of toothpaste, fastening hooks behind you, or tying shoelaces with one hand. Small stuff in comparison to how independent I really was, but these “little” things were on my gratitude list when my bandages came off.
As for the two-year-old on my list, he had asthma and was finally well enough to get ear tubes without having his surgery canceled yet again. Fortunately, it was a brief stressful time for his parents, but for his grandparents – who had a child who required six sets of ear tubes before he turned seven, and hopefully his last set again as an adult – it was a stress that stretched back in time. With a sudden onset of total hearing loss during COVID, it was a reminder that even “simple” is not necessarily simple when it comes with its backstory and traumatic memories.
The other 10 situations are more serious and serve as a reminder that as we get older, things may suddenly become more difficult.
In regard to medical issues, which involve waiting for what seems like forever for an initial appointment, a medical procedure, a follow-up appointment, or an admission to the hospital, they affect not just the patient but the entire family. Schedules must be changed to accommodate appointments; insurance and other forms need to be filled out, which are often only in Hebrew and seemingly not relevant to your problem. If one is admitted to the hospital and there are physical limitations, one must make short- or long-term modifications to an apartment, not designed for the current problems.
Finding a care team, if one can go home, becomes an additional stressor. Adult children are typically part of the sandwich generation and are often very busy with their own families. If a situation becomes more difficult and/or longer than anticipated, it all becomes even more complex. If the adult patient is cognitively high functioning but feels he has little control over decisions that affect both him and other family members, it can be both anxiety provoking and depressing.
Watching this unfold, as a young or adult child, a close family member, or even as a friend, can feel overwhelming, to say the least. The expression “one mother can take care of five children, but five children cannot take care of one mother” may at times feel true, especially now.
My younger sister, who is not a big fan of needles, recently found out that she needed a root canal. Frantically, she wrote to me seeking reassurance that all would be fine. I explained the process. However, I unfortunately added to her stress with a reminder that many years ago she promised, given our family history of breast and colon cancer, that she would go for a mammogram and have a colonoscopy. Busy and scared, she did not.
Given all that we in Israel have been through during the past five years, it is easy to focus on COVID or the war, to the exclusion of our own health issues. Taking care of ourselves moves down the priority list, if it appears at all.
Of course, it is important to remind yourself that you are in good health – until you are not. We all want to believe this. That said, we have all heard how health problems can develop unexpectedly, and things can deteriorate quickly.
How to prioritize your health
Now more than ever, we need to prioritize our health needs and those of our loved ones as best as we can.
Here are some thoughts to ponder:
- Do you make medical appointments and follow-up visits in advance and pencil them in on your calendar or phone? Can you book from one visit to another, saving time and frustration?
- Do you keep insurance papers and relevant phone numbers within easy access?
- Have you and your loved ones discussed how you envision life as you grow older? A loved one may be a partner, a parent, or a child.
- How would you and they like to spend their time and with whom? Do they share your goals?
- How would you or they like life to look if you discover for whatever reason that it cannot be as you had planned?
- Have you discussed your wishes, wants, and needs for both now and in the future? How and where do you envision your care? Is there a long-term plan in place, and are family members or others on board to ensure that your wishes are met?
- Perhaps you see yourself as the primary caregiver for others. Have you thought through and talked about the advantages and disadvantages? What if the decline for either of you is functional, cognitive, or both? Will there be others who will share in the caregiving?
- Have you thought beyond crisis intervention and considered more long-term decision-making and an advanced care directive while you are cognitively and functionally able?
- Have you put your thoughts in writing, and have you spoken to your children, parents, or others, as well as a lawyer? Are they in agreement? Have you thought about how family caregivers could take time off by having others offer help on a regular basis?
- Do you have an up-to-date legal will and ethical living will? Has it been revised as necessary? This will not only ensure that your wishes are heard, but it will also enable you to best look after the people you love.
- Finally, as you think about prevention, see your general practitioner and do any relevant blood work, set up your mammography, colonoscopy, prostate exam, and any other screening tests. What you choose to do today will give you a greater sense of calm tomorrow.
The writer is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra’anana, specializing in trauma, grief, and bereavement. The author of Life’s Journey: Exploring Relationships – Resolving Conflicts, she has written about psychology in The Jerusalem Post since 2000. ludman@netvision.net.il, drbatyaludman.com