Advice which can be quite helpful when dealing with normal people is harmful when dealing with the Dark Triad. This is because Dark Triad types seek control, not connection.
Emotional abuse is often done in private, at a subtle level which outsiders cannot detect. Abusers don’t go to therapy, as they think they are just fine, due to their lack of self-reflection, accountability, or empathy. If they do go, it’s usually because it is court mandated or to charm the therapist into thinking they are the victims and their true victims are crazy. Victims often seek therapy due to their distress over the deceit and cruelty.
Sadly, therapists often encourage victims to pamper, protect, pity, and even praise abusers! Their goal is: “Maintain relationships at all costs.” Many therapists are naïve and simplistic; their selling point is “Everyone can change. All problems can be fixed.” Other therapists fear that abuse victims cannot handle the truth – i.e., that they are living with people who are incapable of truly loving anyone.
Actually, it would help if victims were validated. Instead, they are often shamed and silenced by advisers who whitewash and minimize abuse with various “spin” tactics and teaching more tolerance and brain-scrambling excuses.
If Moses (Moshe Rabbeinu) had taken Korach to therapy, it’s likely that he would be told the following:
What a bad therapist would say about Korach
- The Exaggeration Lie: “Moses, you’re taking this too seriously. No one is all bad! After all, he does pray and does good deeds. You’re making too big a deal out of Korach’s innocent questions and his little rebellion. He looks perfectly chill, sitting here so calmly with no signs of distress. You’re overly sensitive, over-reactive, and quite agitated. I think you should consider psych meds.” (Moses: “Darn right I’m distressed! Without Torah, the world cannot exist. When you minimize and trivialize abuse, you allow abuse to flourish.”)
- The Love/Tolerance Lie: “Love means tolerating toxic behavior. I’m sure your parents would want you two to get along with each other. So, if only for kibud horim (honoring parents), you should be more tolerant. It’s a sin to speak badly of family members, since you do truly love each other underneath it all. If you don’t feel Korach’s love, it’s because of a defect in you that’s blocking your ability to feel his love.” (Moses: “Nonsense! He’s out to destroy Torah, which will destroy civilization and doom the entire world to chaos!”)
- The Maturity Lie: “No one has the power to make you feel bad unless you permit it. A truly holy person wouldn’t be affected by Korach’s bad vibes. A mature person ignores insults and isn’t upset when he’s deceived, betrayed, mocked, or scorned.” (Moses: “Nonsense! Darn right that I am outraged at Korach’s attempts to destroy truth, justice, and morality!”)
- The Gratitude Lie: “If you just learn to be grateful for the good in your life, you won’t feel bothered by Korach’s scorn.” (Moses: “Gratitude is great, but not when it blinds us to reality and keeps us from taking action.”)
- The Wounded-Child/Hurt People Hurt People Lie: “Korach is in even more pain than the pain he’s causing you. Be more understanding. Hug him. He’s insecure. There’s a hurt child inside of him. Due to his pain, he can’t control himself. Ignore your pain and focus on his, since his pain is greater.” (Moses: “I also have scars from childhood, but I’ve chosen to help, not harm. Hurt people who have a sense of morality do their best not to hurt others.”)
- The Therapy “Hope Dope” Lie: “Therapy is magic. It turns sharks into dolphins and fake diamonds into real diamonds. If you don’t have a doctorate in psychology, you can’t diagnose or label anyone as toxic. Trust that therapy transforms people! Sell your home to fund therapy or a rehab center. Come to therapy for the next 20 to 30 years.” (Moses: “There are no instant cures or transformations, especially not for people who have no desire to improve and who don’t take responsibility for their actions.”)
- The Optimism Lie: “Have hope. Hope is holy! If you just learn to really love Korach, he’ll love you in return. Love conquers all! Open a new page. Put positive energy into manifesting your vision of seeing Korach fully transformed. Make a vision board.” (Moses: “Toxic optimism just strings people along for years. My hope is for those with a capacity for real change.”)
- The Guilt-Trip Lie: “If you expose Korach’s treachery, you’ll be accused of breaking up a wonderful family and ruining their pristine reputation.” (Moses: “How strange that abusers have no guilt or shame, while their victims are shamed and shunned for speaking the truth! I refuse to be a hypocrite and call evil good or smile and pretend we have a big happy family to win social approval.”)
- The 50-50-Moral Equivalence Lie: “It takes two to fight. You must be at least 50% to blame. You are provoking Korach by refusing to satisfy his demands. So, you’re just as abusive as he is!” (Moses: “Nonsense! You are either stupid, morally blind, or in cahoots with the abusers. Those who are attacked are not equally to blame as their attackers!”)
- The Forgiveness Lie: “A holy person forgives – instantly. Forgiveness is a magical eraser; it erases all traumas. You can’t heal unless you forgive Korach. If you don’t, you’ll carry bad feelings with you like a suitcase filled with heavy rocks and won’t be able to move forward. Maybe a little EMDR or EFT will erase the past.” (Moses: “I prefer the word ‘release.’ I release him to God and let Him decide what to do with him. Recalling the past protects me from trusting abusers, who often feign remorse or make fake promises and peace agreements only in order to regain control over me. BTW, even God does not erase sins between man and man until the perpetrator begs forgiveness.”)
- The Benefit of the Doubt/Tolerance Lie: “You’re so intolerant! It’s wrong to judge people. Everyone has a spark of God in them, a tzelem Elokim, so love everyone! A holy person sees all people as essentially good. Korach deserves the benefit of the doubt. Surely, he has no malicious intention to harm anyone. He was probably just stressed, tired, or suffering from his own traumas.” (Moses: “Sorry. Jewish law holds people responsible for their sins after bat-bar mitzvah, unless they are mentally ill and cannot distinguish between right and wrong.”)
- The Lashon Hara Lie: “It’s forbidden to say anything bad about anyone, even the most toxic person, especially a family member. Speaking lashon hara about Korach is worse than anything Korach is doing.” (Moses: “He is trying to deceive the people and undermine Torah morality and justice. I have a responsibility to warn people about toxic behavior.”)
- The Fixer Lie: “If Hashem put Korach into your life, then it’s your job to fix him! A truly holy person can fix the most toxic person. Try harder to please and appease him. If he doesn’t improve, then you’re not trying hard enough. All relationships can be fixed.” (Moses: “Nonsense! No one can fix anyone. People improve only when they display accountability, awareness, and determination.”)
- The Cheerleader Lie: “Show Korach how much you adore him. Make him look good! Build his ego up with confidence-building gestures. If you put enough positive energy into cheering his most microscopic acts of goodness, he will change. If that doesn’t work, be a better cheerleader. Put more energy into manifesting your vision board.” (Moses: “No! People change only when they put enormous time and effort into daily acts of self-discipline.)
- The Co-Dependent Lie: “You’re too needy. He feels choked by your desire for honesty, morality, and respect. He feels you’re trying to control him. So, give up wanting!” (Moses: “Without mutual respect, trust, and empathy, there is no relationship!”)
- The Communication Lie: “Just talk more. Tell him how bad you feel about his mockery. Give him longer mussar [moral conduct] speeches so he will wake up, feel ashamed of how he treated you, and turn over a new leaf.” (Moses. “I tried talking. He responds with a mind-scrambling diatribe, a senseless word salad filled with lies, mockery, and contempt.”)
- The Self-Nullification Lie: “Men need to have their egos stroked in order to feel powerful and superior. So, be more submissive and subservient. Be more respectful and give him lots of affection. Make painful concessions, and you’ll be rewarded with his love.” (Moses: “No! Abusers abhor weakness and escalate abuse when victims make peace agreements.”)
- The Self-Blaming ‘Mirror’ Lie: “If you see a negative trait, like arrogance, in Korach, it means you have that trait in yourself! When you overcome your own arrogance, you won’t be bothered by his deceit. It seems that you are imagining that Korach wants to harm you, which is a sign of paranoia.” [Moses: “Blaming me keeps me feeling passive, paralyzed, and powerless! Stop trying to scramble my brain and divert my attention from seeing the truth!”)
- The Shalom Bayit Lie: “A truly holy person makes peace with everyone, even the most toxic. A holy person loves everyone, sees only good in people, and ignores insanity and abuse. The baseless hatred of Yosef’s brothers led to 400 years of slavery (Shabbat 10b), and baseless hatred caused the destruction of the Beit Hamikdash (Yoma 9b). It’s up to you to make peace! (Moses: “My rage is not senseless! It’s impossible to make peace with those who take pleasure in creating conflict and destroying Torah values. People-pleasing just encourages more abuse.”)
- The Purification Lie: “Abuse refines and purifies. If you destroy Korach, you’ll just get another challenge that’s just as bad or worse than the one he offers you.” (Moses: “My people can’t begin to heal unless Korach is destroyed so that people can see that justice, order, and morality have been restored.”)
- The Majority Opinion Lie: “Other than you and your brother, Aaron, everyone else thinks Korach is a great guy. He’s adored by 250 of the most prominent men. So, your claims must not be justified.” (Moses: “The majority don’t see the truth. They are dazzled by the external charm, charisma, and arrogant confidence of this atheistic, autocratic anarchist.”)
- The Punishment Lie: “Abuse is God’s punishment. If you’re abused, you must deserve it. You must not be worthy of Korach’s respect.” (Moses: “The only way to heal is to feel God’s love. God is never abusive! I’ll talk to Him directly. Your advice is not helpful. Either you are stupid, gullible, or in collusion with the forces of evil. Since you cannot distinguish between a benign tumor and a cancerous growth, you should not be in this profession. Korach is trying to destroy morality. I tried to get through to him. It’s not my fault that he won’t listen. I will devote my energy to empowering those who really do want to bring kedusha [holiness] to the world. Bye bye!”)
I DON’T mean to knock all therapists – only those who promote the idea that love means tolerating abuse and insanity! Those who see the truth are rare. Therapists fear losing clients if they say the truth – i.e., some people cannot love, but they will torture you by giving bread crumbs of concern once in a while and acting charming and normal to outsiders or favored relatives. Therapists are trained to give people HOPE DOPE, cheerfully promising that anyone can be anything.
Normal people can achieve greater intimacy with others by learning good emotional intelligence and communication skills. But closeness is the very opposite of what is needed with people who are highly critical, contemptuous, or suffering from personality disorders. In such cases, therapists should teach abuse victims to disconnect physically, if at all possible, and emotionally to whatever extent they can do so. They must focus on self-protection, self-fulfillment, and self-differentiation skills. This is what a good therapist will help them achieve.■
Dr. Miriam Adahan is a psychologist, therapist, and author, and she can be contacted at miriamadahan13@gmail.com