War has brought with it many challenges for everyone. With so many called up for reserve duty, it is stressful not only for the spouses and children at home but also for those who step in to help.
Grandparents, out of necessity, have taken a more active role with their grandchildren to help lighten the load for their exhausted children. While often happy to help, it may also create issues for everyone, especially during such stressful times.
Grandparenting can be very rewarding. It can be a pleasure to be with your grandchildren during the day, and a joy to leave them with their parents at night. For those, however, doing double duty, this is not always the case. Many adults in their later years are still gainfully employed or are actively busy with their own heavily scheduled days, despite wanting to help.
That said, many grandparents lovingly run savta (grandmother) and saba (grandfather) camp in mid-August when absolutely everything for children shuts down, while parents are still expected to work full time and balance the home front. This year, you may be more involved than ever, and it might not be easy for everyone.
As a grandparent, while you are a proven expert at raising children, your skills may be undervalued. Here are some tricks for maximizing your time with your grandchildren and for being the best saba and savta on the block. I’m guessing you have your own tricks to add.
Tips and tricks for grandparents
1) Love your grandchildren as much and as often as you can. You have so much to offer them that they are unable to glean from anyone else. Your time, energy, and hopefully less hectic schedule are a gift for all to appreciate right now.
Whether it is helping with meals or pick-up from activities, your children benefit from your caring attention; and parents, who are often beyond exhausted and overwhelmed, can receive a much-needed break. You are one of the few people who will be excited when your grandchildren may “just” want to talk, read, or play.
2) Feed your grandchildren. Children form very intense associations with foods, their aromas, and all the wonderful memories that go with them. You know just which foods your grandchildren love, and you can enjoy whipping up special recipes together.
3) Feed your grandchildren lots of stories. If they are young enough, they may love to hear what you did when you were their age, as well as appreciate funny stories from their parents’ childhood, especially those when they got into trouble.
4) Organize dates with each grandchild. Let them choose an activity. Teach them a card trick, do a craft, paint, work on a project together, or plant in the garden. You can surprise them with inexpensive special treats. Perhaps watch a movie, enjoy a picnic, work on a surprise, or have a special sleepover. Children of all ages may enjoy creating a book of stories or a family collage. There can be something for everyone.
You can also benefit greatly from this special relationship. Your grandchildren may open the world of computers to you in ways you can’t even imagine. Teaching you can be a huge boost to their self-esteem.
While it may cost you extra to take them along, they may be able to help you with grocery shopping and other errands. It will be good for their math skills and can be great for you if they help shop, carry, and put things away. Don’t forget to stop and have ice cream along the way, simply because you can!
5) Spoil your grandchildren in all kinds of ways that are acceptable to everyone. Children are only young once, and who can let your grandchild enjoy those little things that they don’t usually get to indulge in better than you? Make sure that Mom and Dad would approve of your ideas ahead of time to ensure that your goals don’t conflict or that you don’t inadvertently undermine a punishment.
6) Communicate with your grandchildren – because you can. You do not need a reason to call them on the phone, and you want them to know that they can call you anytime. This is especially important when your grandchildren don’t live close by and can’t visit you.
It is a nice tradition to speak with and bless all your grandchildren (and children) before Shabbat. For those in different time zones, a special video message is a fun way to let the grandchildren know you care. Children who are just mastering letter writing might enjoy sending and receiving emails, and young children may enjoy being read a story via video.
Do not feel rejected or insulted if your grandchild is too busy to get together. Often, we think that they don’t want to spend time with us, but if we invite them to suggest an alternate plan, both of you can have lots of meaningful time together. During the school year, a six-day school week leaves children with little time to do other things, so you may both need to do some careful planning.
With so much to offer your grandchildren, you also have to protect yourself and have your own needs met.
7) Learn when to say something and when to remain quiet. You may not always agree with your child’s parenting style. Whether it is rules around screen time, feeding, or bedtime, your children may forget to ask what you think, or do not want, or value your advice, despite your experience. It’s very difficult to see your own children making mistakes while you’re asked to remain silent.
A heart-to-heart talk with your children may enable everyone to stop walking on eggshells and make the most out of such an important relationship. Your children need to communicate their expectations for your involvement in their lives, and you need to let them know how you feel about your role. This is tough, especially now, but it’s crucial to keep those lines of communication open.
At this time, you may feel put in an awkward position. Your children may need you to be available at a moment’s notice, but you may have other plans – a life that now involves some free time to travel despite the war, taking classes, and simply relaxing. You may also find yourself busy with doctors’ appointments, have limited energy, and need their help.
Sit down with your children and let them know that you’re happy to help – just how often and in what ways.
Do you mind, for instance, if they call you when they have to work and their child is sick? Would you prefer to look after them on specific, prearranged days? Do you want them to come to you for Shabbat? Perhaps a fixed day doesn’t work for you, but you’re happy to help out when you can. Do you need advance notice, or can they just pop in and drop off the kids? Keeping the lines of communication open during these challenging times will enable everyone to benefit.
Spread your talents around if you have several children or grandchildren wanting your time. Have you thought of ways to make it work well for all concerned and yet not totally tire yourself out? Don’t forget that you’ve most likely been chosen because you are patient, available, kind, and you know how to have fun.
Make sure drop-off and pick-up times are clearly established ahead of time. Remember, too, that you’re not as young as you used to be, may tire more easily, have physical limitations, cannot be exposed to illness, have some appointments that need attending to, or don’t live close by. If you’re not physically up to taking care of your grandchildren in a way that you’d like to be, make sure that your children understand what’s going on.
What has worked well in the past may no longer be working well for you today. Most problems are not insurmountable if you’re able to communicate kindly and openly about how you feel and are aware of what your specific needs are, in addition to those of your children.
Your relationship with your grandchildren is one for everyone to treasure. You offer insight, an excellent historical resource, and play such a vital role in their life. It would be wonderful if everyone could appreciate it.
The writer is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra’anana, specializing in trauma, grief, and bereavement. The author of Life’s Journey: Exploring Relationships – Resolving Conflicts, she has written about psychology in The Jerusalem Post since 2000.
ludman@netvision.net.il, drbatyaludman.com