The philosopher Martin Buber writes, “Only when two souls speak to one another with the fullness of their being and the fire of their devotion... do they become worthy of the Shechinah, the luminous presence of Being dwelling between them” (The Dialogue on Man and Being, Bialik Institute, 1980).
There are words conveying truths that are beyond words and yet somehow offer clarity of meaning through the feeling of the words and the silence between the words. We communicate with words and also with silence – perhaps a glance, a gesture, an intention, an indication.
In a conversation with Ilaniya Kor, Israeli-born Buberian therapist and teacher, we enter a sphere of emotional and spiritual connection that speaks to our poetic imagination.
In his 1923 doctrine I and Thou, Buber writes, “Feelings dwell in man, but man dwells in his love. This is no metaphor, but actuality: Love does not cling to an 'I' as if the 'You' were merely its content or object; it is between I and You.”
This in-between space is crucial to an understanding of the I-Thou dialogue that Ilaniya explores in her clinical work, in her teaching, and in her writings that reference philosophy, psychology, literature, Tanach, and Hassidism.
She has a love of learning and knowledge. Hers is an intellectual life filled with questions and reflections on the existential condition, the meaning of life, and the significance of spiritual phenomena.
A journey to discover Martin Buber
“I was born in Herzliya,” says Ilaniya, “and my journey begins in my mother’s womb. I come from a large tribe of eight siblings, and I am one of a triplet. I have two identical brothers, Alon and Ilan. The telepathic connection between my brothers was overwhelming for me. They spoke to each other without speaking. They had their own nonverbal language for communicating, and many times I was left out.
I remember we would be playing together, and then suddenly my brothers would move away and play with each other. I could strongly sense a connection between them, as if they were in a different realm that I could not enter. More than that, I had no words for what I was witnessing.
“I developed subtle and powerful receptors watching them from the outside with a feeling of loneliness and longing. Since affinity exists between two, my psychic material, my psychological drama originates in this triangle that I am a part of.”
Zionist from Baghdad
Her father, Ya’akov, was born in Baghdad. Strongly Zionist, he was arrested at 13, tortured, and incarcerated for one year as a prisoner of Zion. Released, he and his family made aliyah in 1951, leaving everything behind. In Israel, he met his future wife, Liliane, in nursing school.
“We were raised and educated in a dialogical way,” says Ilaniya. “By this, I mean my father used to gather us together once a month, and we would talk about our feelings, what distressed us, our challenges, what made us happy. We asked questions, and sometimes we argued. We tried to listen to each other and make decisions together. My father created a place for each of us and, at the same time, encouraged a space for otherness. He gave us words and a voice, and introduced us to dialogue.”
She describes an experience she had many years ago that she was receptive to but could not explain. “Without knowing this person I met, without words between us, I understood something about him. I was feeling an inner echo, almost as if an unknown musical sound, like a chord of music, were echoing inside me. Everything around us disappeared, and there were the two of us in a close and intimate way. I felt I had entered a different state of being.”
Daat-Lev therapeutic approach
It was at Tel Aviv University that she first discovered Buber during the second year of her bachelor’s degree, a BA in philosophy. She immediately connected to Buber’s description of the I-Thou affinity, which enabled her to recognize and define the natural, silent communication between her brothers, the intricacies of dialogue she learned from her father, and the spiritual experiences in her life. Buber gave her the map and the precise words.
Later, during her MA studies at Tel Aviv University, encouraged by Prof. Nathaniel Laor, she innovated a new approach to therapy, the Daat-Lev therapeutic approach, based on Buber’s philosophy of dialogue.
In her personal and academic research, Ilaniya examined the state of consciousness Buber calls Daat-Lev, which can be conducive to a spiritual encounter. She formed this into a practice that has developed and grown over time into a therapeutic language and methodology.
“Daat-Lev therapy manifests the I-Thou dialogical dynamic into a way of healing our psyche by restoring our ability to return to a relation of affinity,” she explains. “Our initial nature from birth is to be attached to another in a mutually interactive, dialogical way, and is considered by Buber to be essential for our mental health and development.
“In this therapy, we aim to reveal the hidden occurrence of two people in the in-between space that will illuminate the I, the identity of the self that is formed through all the different pairings in our lives. Since we cannot understand this occurrence between two people only through the perspective of the personal being of each one, of each separate I, we need to go back to the essential state of consciousness in the therapeutic environment and look at their manner of communication in the space between them. This is the main infrastructure for this soul work.”
I-Thou: the soul-to-soul signal
But how do two souls speak to each other? Buber writes, “How does the soul encounter and know another in his unique otherness? The soul signals. Life means being called, and we need only be ready and willing to listen” (The Dialogue on Man and Being).
“A signal is silent, a transcendental expression of the soul’s longing for a connection and for the illumination of the essence of the soul that is calling,” Ilaniya says. “Our essence is the imprint of God, of the eternal Thou within us. A signal turns into an invocation that requires an answer. We feel called by an a priori sense of responsibility for each other that is fundamental to what makes us human, to our humanity. It is an affirmation of otherness, of the other person as he is.
“However, when we ignore these fateful invocations that are calling us from all fields of our life, from people, community, nature, music, artistic creations, we are facing a rupture in our emotional life that disrupts the world order, an order that stands upon a sense of moral and ethical responsibility. When we listen and respond, we can begin to heal our psyche, and, in this way, take part in tikkun olam, a healing of the world.
“We feel the words and actions of released hostage Eli Sharabi and his struggle to free the other hostages. Eli speaks about his deep connection with Alon Ohel and their support for each other. He expresses his anguish: ‘Alon captured my heart. I adopted him from the first moment. Alon is a very talented pianist, and I remember how we would pretend to play the piano on his body to keep himself sane.’“
Alon's music
I believe Eli still hears Alon’s music today, his unique musical notes,” says Ilaniya. “He is attached to Alon’s invocation and is struggling to answer, to help him to stay alive, to give him the strength to keep on playing the piano where he is until he returns to his life and to his music.
“Eli is speaking from the sacred space of their connection with words that are sacred. This is an urgent soul-to-soul, heart-to-heart cry of responsibility for his friend and for all the hostages that extends far beyond their special affinity.”
About the reach of music, drummer Dave Grohl writes in his life story, “...what is it about the sound of an instrument that stirs a specific emotion, without even a single word to explain its intention?... Is it that our hearts and minds serve as some sort of sonic semiconductor for the sound of another person’s joy or pain, ultimately aligning and bridging the souls of two human beings, reminding us that we are not alone in this life? Is that the purpose of music?” (The Storyteller: Tales of Life and Music, 2021).
Healing through dialogue
Buber tells us, “The true and noble task of the soul-healer is to rekindle the heart of a man, a heart grown thin and worn. This task lies only in the hands of one whose deep and piercing gaze has glimpsed the hidden, silent unity at the core of the suffering soul. Such knowing is not won through study or search, but only by standing face to face.” (The Dialogue on Man and Being).
Ilaniya works together with her partner, Ruth Ben-Asher, a clinical psychologist and trauma specialist, at Merkaz Guf Nefesh in Ramat Hasharon, where they teach Daat-Lev philosophy and methodology to therapists.
Ilaniya explains that Daat-Lev enables an approach for developmental and relational traumas. It is a unique healing process for the fractures in our relationships through a method that is very different from traditional therapies. It is a way of witnessing, of observing the energy in the in-between space that is nuanced yet powerful.
Emotions, such as fear, sadness, shame, guilt, happiness, and love, originate from the in-between, and when we are detached – driven away from the spiritual invocation of another that is calling – we need to learn to return to the dimension of dialogue. This learned movement heals our emotional life.
“In individual therapy, we concentrate on the in-between relationships of the individual, past and current,” she explains.
“Together, we explore significant memories and bodily memories through the I-Thou affinity structure and assist him in the space of his memories to attentively listen to the signals that become evident for him.
"The patient begins to remember the language of a healthy connection and learns to transcend and respond to a signal, to an invocation from another, in a way that helps him ease his past wounds.
Restoring mutuality
“In couples therapy, the emphasis is on two people to restore mutuality and love. I guide them to a verbal dialogue in a way that connects them to the other’s invocation, so that each one can see the other through their distinct, individual essence and, by that, to touch directly into their own personal trauma and darkness.
“For example, in a particular couple’s therapy, we recognized the call of one partner for truth to be embodied. If they cannot reveal the essential truth to each other, then she is unable to remain fully in the relationship.
"This signals to her partner in such a way that touches his deepest wound of having grown up in an environment where truth was always hidden and considered to be dangerous to the integrity of the family. Without truth, she feels alone.
"This realization became a turning point for him, and addressing this wound through the spiritual element of his partner allowed for an organic healing movement through dialogue. This becomes a tikkun nefesh, a healing of the soul.
“And in my understanding, that is the way two people are intertwined: The light of one touches the other’s unconscious trauma and abyss. It enables healing to occur through mutual affirmation,” she says.
The heart of dialogue
“The heart of dialogue is our striving for something that we may or may not be able to completely fulfill. But the very effort itself, the very intention to be directed, is the foundation of becoming more moral and better human beings,” says Ilaniya. “We need each other. We need to listen to each other face to face, to see each other in our inner selves, to connect in a genuine way.
“It is important to engage with different perspectives that we are lacking in ourselves, and through a connection of affinity we can develop and obtain an inner life that may not as yet exist within us but that we can potentially acquire by communicating fully with others. There is room for different voices. Each of us carries the eternal Thou within that resonates between us when we meet in an encounter.”
The potential of relationships is powerful and hopeful. From birth, we possess the language of affinity, and we instinctively move toward a connection, toward the possibility of a clear, pure moment of inner unity and peace, a momentary absence of the inner gap that is a part of the human condition. It is a connection that occurs in the silent space between mind and heart.