Every parent knows this moment. The kids aren’t listening, or the house is a complete mess, or they won’t put on their shoes even though you already asked and you’re running late – and then something takes over us, almost involuntarily, and we switch into yelling mode. We, the parents who tell our children there’s no need to yell, who say “we only understand when you speak nicely,” turn into children ourselves and shout all our pain straight from the gut.
Sound familiar? Then you surely know the sour guilt that comes right after – that feeling that maybe the yelling worked (they cleaned up or put on their shoes), but you feel bad. You feel like you lost control and hurt the people you love most in the world. The monster came out.
Why does this happen?
These outbursts happen because you’re human, and parenting is incredibly hard work. In fact, it happens to everyone, with each parent having a different trigger that leads to a loss of control. What’s important to know and remember is that the anger and hurt that trigger us are not truly about our children — they just pressed a button that brought us back to a deep and fundamental pain.
In many cases, the trigger takes us to a place where we feel unseen or unacknowledged. We feel invisible, which damages our sense of self-worth. And when our self-worth is damaged — we try to reclaim it — and that’s exactly when the outburst happens. We feel powerless and ineffective — and we reclaim our power in unhealthy ways. An outburst is like a ball of energy — it activates and empowers, it restores my sense of worth.
But at what cost?
The way we behave at home gives our children permission to behave that way in the real world. If we encourage — we teach a language. If we listen — we teach a language. If we treat the mall security guard respectfully — we teach a language. And if we use force? That too teaches a language. When we use power, we reinforce our children’s understanding that they too need to use force to restore their self-worth (which was hurt the moment we screamed at them).
As mentioned, the reason we choose to use force is to gain influence, especially when we feel helpless. But there is another way to get there — good relationships. The better our relationship with our children, the more influence we will have and the more cooperation there will be at home. Then, when I say “no,” the child will stop, and I won’t need to use force.
Cooperation can’t be demanded — it can only be earned, and it is the result of the relationship at home. There’s a package deal here — the way to ensure we earn our child’s cooperation is by building a good relationship, by learning to treat our children with respect even when we’re at our limit. And if I yell, get angry, and lose control — I might damage that relationship.
How do we do this?
The first step is to understand what’s happening to us. To identify those triggers that make us feel powerless, invisible — the places that bring out the child in us. Once we identify those places, we can take a deep breath and remind ourselves that this is our own internal pain. That our child didn’t try to hurt us — they were simply being a child, and their behavior touched on a vulnerability of ours. That way, the anger meter will automatically drop, and our reaction will be more measured.
If you can, try to identify the physical reaction when this happens — a churning stomach, a flushed face — this way you’ll know exactly when you need a moment to pause.
When you feel that outburst rising, try to take all that energy you’ve filled up with — and instead of throwing it at your children — use it for internal control. Use all that energy to respond differently. Our goal is to channel that energy toward ourselves and not the children, because we are responsible for the atmosphere at home.
To do this, you can take a moment aside and take a deep breath, wash your face with cold water, try listening to music — all these will help calm your nervous system. If the yell already came out, try to breathe and say to the kids: “That didn’t come out right. Hang on, I want to say it differently.”
And if you did explode, try to replay the situation in your mind that evening and think about how you would do it differently. This way, next time, you’ll have more accessible tools. And of course, if it didn’t come out right — talk to the kids about it. Apologize sincerely and wholeheartedly, without a “but.” Truly apologize to teach them how to take responsibility for their actions — even during a storm.
And after that — let go of the guilt. Everyone reaches their limit sometimes, and the very effort to do it differently already makes you a good parent. Self-compassion is also a skill worth practicing so that our children can learn it too.
Even if the monster comes out sometimes — that doesn’t make you a bad parent. It just means you’re human, trying. And in my opinion, that’s the most important thing our children can learn from us.
Yifat Sani is a certified parent coach from the Adler Institute. She specializes in early childhood and adolescence.