It is very important to all of us that our children are safe and protected, in every possible sense. And at the top of parental fears is the concern that someone will exploit our children’s innocence. Therefore, from a very young age, most parents try to teach their children basic personal safety. The main message we convey to our children is “my body belongs to me,” “no one is allowed to touch you without consent,” and of course also not to go with strangers.
These are very important messages, critical to the safety of our boys and girls, and it is very important to instill them from a young age. But like everything else related to our children, if we say this but teach something else through our behavior – we strip our educational message of any meaning.
And this happens far more often than you might think. We often sin by treating our children’s bodies as an extension of our own, of course not out of bad intentions. Here are some of the most common situations in which our message about a private body simply doesn’t align with our actual behavior.
“Take a jacket. You’ll be cold”
Every parent in the world knows the situation in which a child wants to go to kindergarten or school without a jacket, or in sandals, or in Spider-Man pajamas. In most cases, parents will insist that the children will be cold or too hot, and will enter into a long, drawn-out struggle that will color the entire morning.
But if we teach our children that no one can decide about their body, we cannot insist with them. If the child says they are not cold, if that’s how it feels in their body, we must respect that – just as we would expect our children to be attentive to the sensations of their own bodies and of others as they grow up.
And beyond the problematic message, it is also very ineffective. Children don’t learn much from our long speeches; at a certain point it becomes background noise. They learn best from encountering reality. If your child leaves the house and is cold or uncomfortable, they will learn, and the next day they will take something long-sleeved.
“Give Uncle a kiss”
Here too we sometimes get confused. The value of respect for family, and especially for the adults among our relatives, sometimes leads us to pressure children to give a kiss or a hug even when they don’t want to. But if it is important to us that our children adopt the value of maintaining their boundaries – we must respect them ourselves. It is better to apologize to Grandma and explain, rather than force a child to do something they don’t want to do.
And this is also true for us as parents. There are children who love touch and affection, and that’s great, but there are those who don’t. And if we force hugs and kisses on them – we will unintentionally teach them that their body is not really under their control. Ask your children if a hug suits them, if they are comfortable with you putting clothes on them in the shower or soaping them in intimate areas. Teach them through your behavior that their boundaries are important.
“Eat. You like it”
Another place where we give children a double message about their body and their boundaries is around food – “take one more bite for me,” “just taste it,” “you do like it,” “you’re hungry! You haven’t eaten all day.” Sound familiar?
When we decide for our children what to put into their body, when, and how much – it creates confusion. Children learn that what they feel is less important than what the adult decides. And this is a problematic message, especially when we want them to know how to listen to their body, understand when something is uncomfortable for them, and know how to say “no” with confidence.
This doesn’t mean that we can’t be responsible for our children’s nutrition, but it must happen with respect for their boundaries. We do not have, and should not have, control over what our child eats. I cannot tell my child what to put into their mouth. But I can, and this is the only thing under our control as parents, choose what will be in the house.
If it bothers me that the child eats a lot of snacks, I need to make sure there are fewer snacks in the house. If it bothers me that the child doesn’t eat enough vegetables or enough healthy food, my responsibility is to serve healthy food at the table. What they choose to eat from what is on the table is completely theirs and their full right.
When we allow children to listen to their body around food, we teach them a deeper skill – that their internal sensations are reliable. That their boundaries matter. That their body truly belongs to them.
“Do you need to pee?”
The stage of toilet training is one of the most significant moments on a child’s path to feeling in control of their body. But quite a few parents start the process because “it’s necessary,” or because “they already started at kindergarten,” even when the boy or girl is not yet ready. Adaptive toilet training begins only when the child shows genuine interest: Asking to be without a diaper, being aware of the sensation of wetness, asking questions – when they are the one leading.
Even after starting, it’s important to remember that the process includes accidents. Pressure, anger, or disappointment turn bodily needs into a power struggle, and distance the child from listening to their body.
Another problem begins when we, out of a desire to prevent accidents and mess, take control into our own hands. We ask “do you need to pee?” every ten minutes, or sit them on the toilet “just in case” before leaving. Our intention is good, but the message the child receives is: “You don’t know what’s going on in your body, I know better than you.”
When we manage their bodily needs for them, we atrophy their ability to listen to their body’s signals. To teach protection and control, we must let go, even at the cost of accidents. Allow the child to feel their body, identify the pressure themselves, and learn to trust their sensations.
When we allow them to be responsible for their own needs – we teach them the truly important thing: that their body belongs to them, and they can trust it.
And also: Protect your own boundaries
For our children to learn to respect boundaries, their own and others’, they need to see us protecting our own boundaries. If you don’t like people playing with your hair, even if your daughter enjoys braiding it – it’s important to explain this to her in a calm and respectful way, and not allow it just because “it’s uncomfortable to say no.” If your child wants to talk to you while you’re in the shower and it feels uncomfortable – this is exactly the place to say that you need privacy, and to stick to it.
When we make our own needs present at home as well, we teach children two important things: That every person has boundaries, including parents, and how to maintain them properly and respectfully. If we give up again and again on what is important to us, children will not learn to listen to others’ boundaries – nor to their own.
Protection does not begin with big conversations, but דווקא in the smallest everyday moments – do we listen to a child when they say they are cold or hot, do we respect it when touch doesn’t suit them, do we let them choose what enters their body.
When we insist on proving that we know better than them what they are feeling, we weaken their ability to identify their sensations and trust them. And when we allow them to listen to themselves – we teach them the most important thing of all: That their boundaries are valid, that their sensations are reliable, and that they have full rights over their body.
Yifat Sani is a certified parent instructor, Adler Institute. Specializes in early childhood and adolescence