If you ask almost any child of divorced parents about their parents’ separation, they will say it was hard, very hard. And they are not exaggerating, divorce is a complicated and painful process, for both parents and children. But – it doesn’t have to be an ongoing crisis.
Proper management of the new reality, complex as it may be, can prevent long-term distress for the children. And the difference between a difficult period and a traumatic event that will color their future – lies with us, the parents.
The dilemma of divorced parents
Studies show that children whose parents continue to cooperate after the divorce adapt better to the new reality. In other words, if after the separation the parents maintain a respectful connection and continue to work together for the benefit of the children – the likelihood that the divorce will be experienced as a crisis by the children decreases. Conversely, if the parents are not in contact at all, and especially if they involve the children in their conflict, the children will struggle to adapt to the new reality.
Most divorced parents understand this, but this is exactly where the difficulty comes in. No one gets divorced because things are too good, people usually get divorced because of communication difficulties, significant gaps in desires and needs, or a breach of trust, so usually there is at least one very angry party in the separation process, and in most cases both parties are angry. And it is very hard to be balanced and rational in such a situation.
In addition, divorce is a very significant crisis in the lives of the parents. It shakes their entire belief system and throws life into turmoil – personal, familial, and financial – that usually takes one to three years to emerge from. This fact also makes it very difficult to manage calm parental relations with someone with whom the romantic relationship has ended.
But despite this difficulty, it is very important to put the children’s well-being at the center, because their lives are also going through a significant upheaval, they too experience a lack of control and uncertainty, and they too may be in distress. And if you decide to put the children at the center, there is one thing that is especially important to do – maintain a good relationship with the ex-spouse.
And this is exactly where parents have the power to change the reality for their children – you can’t always control your emotions, but you can control the way you cooperate.
The truth that many divorced parents find hard to accept is that even though the relationship is over and even though a signed divorce agreement exists, parents are connected to each other for life. Birthdays, parent-teacher meetings, family celebrations, illnesses, assessments, and even just a child who forgot sports shoes at the other house – you will always need to work together.
If you don’t do this, you will likely have to tell the children more than once, “Tell your father that…” or “Tell your mother that…”, and this is one of the things that makes life hardest for children of divorced parents. The last thing they need is to feel like they are in the middle between their two parents. In short – don’t make the children choose sides.
When children hear criticism from one parent about the other, see angry looks, and hear venomous remarks, they slowly develop a sense that they need to do something about it – to fix the problem. Some become “mediators” and try to calm both parents or hide information so as not to hurt anyone. Others simply shrink: They tell less, share less, just to avoid causing another fight. And many children feel they must choose a side.
When communication between the parents is poor and the children feel they must choose a side, a deep loyalty conflict is created – one in which they can only lose. No matter which side the child chooses, they will feel they are betraying the other. This is a very heavy emotional burden and it harms children greatly. It affects their peace of mind and may influence their current behavior as well as their perception of relationships in the future.
And this is exactly the point where healthy parental behavior can change everything. You don’t have to be “friends,” you don’t have to get along perfectly, and you don’t have to agree on everything. You only need one thing: basic cooperation and understanding that the child should not carry the adults’ crisis.
How do you maintain a healthy routine in two homes?
1. Mediation
If you can, go to mediation before the divorce (you can do it afterward as well) to try to draft an agreement that respects both parties and prevents future anger. As mentioned, it is very hard to be balanced and rational in a turbulent moment, and mediation can help you see what is best for the children. Try to avoid a long and expensive legal process that may escalate the conflict, and draft an agreement as detailed as possible to prevent future misunderstandings.
2. Keep the children out of the relationship
Do not involve the children in the relationship between the parents – conversations with the ex-partner must be held directly, not through the children and not in front of them. The children do not need to know what you feel or think about their other parent. In addition, do not expose them to information that may harm them, such as court matters, child support, or past grievances.
3. Stick to the schedule
It is very important to respect the visitation schedule and maintain an organized timetable according to the divorce agreement. A fixed schedule and consistent overnight stays in both homes greatly ease the children’s burden and create a sense of certainty during a turbulent time. A fixed routine is one of the most important anchors for children during a period of change.
4. A respectful, practical communication style
You don’t need to speak lovingly, but you must speak respectfully, whether meeting around the children, talking on the phone, or texting. Try to speak in a practical, brief manner, without jabs, hints, or attempts to settle scores. Children sense exactly the atmosphere between the parents even if they don’t see the messages or hear the call.
5. Share information with the other parent
It is very important that the ex-spouse be aware of significant events in the child’s life so they can be involved and to enable smooth coordination. For example, if on the day the children are with you, the school calls to report an incident in class – it is important to tell the other parent. If the daughter starts wetting the bed again – it’s important to talk about it and think together about solutions. The higher your level of parental coordination – the easier things will be for your children.
6. Back each other up
Try to support each other’s decisions and actions. The children may not like it in the short term, but it will contribute to their peace of mind. Backing each other includes avoiding criticism of the other parent in the children’s presence.
7. Pay attention to the little things
Children of divorced parents sometimes suffer most from the small things – a schoolbook forgotten at Dad’s house, Scouts uniforms at Mom’s house, a backpack filled with a week’s worth of gear. Try to ease the children’s burden through simple coordination. Every time the parents prevent friction or confusion, the children feel they are not alone in the situation.
<br>The children need to know they are not alone
Divorce is not a failure of parenting; sometimes it is actually the brave decision that allows children to grow up in a calmer, healthier home. But the difference between a separation that is a hard chapter and one that becomes an ongoing crisis is not determined by the circumstances of the divorce – but by the parents’ behavior afterward.
Children don’t need perfect parents – they need stability. They don’t need you to agree on everything – but to show them they won’t get stuck in the middle. They don’t need a “better parent” – but two parents who are able to cooperate.
The children didn’t choose the divorce – but they do feel everything that happens afterward. And when they feel that there are two parents who continue to be there for them, even separately – they can flourish again. Divorce may be a crisis, but it can also be a process through which children discover their own strengths and coping abilities.
And if you really want to make things easier for your children through cooperation and parental coordination, but simply cannot – know that there is help. Emotional therapy, divorce-parent guidance, or mediation – there are people who can help you get through this period.
Yifat Sani is a certified Adler Institute parenting coach. Specializes in early childhood and adolescence.