In recent days, social media is once again in an uproar — and rightfully so — regarding bullying and social boycotts at school, which allegedly led to the suicides of three teenagers — just in the past month. The issue of bullying and the heavy price children pay when they are socially excluded must remain on the agenda, especially for us parents, and not only when such horrific cases occur.
So this week many parents were exposed to content on the subject and showed their children the videos of Moshe Korsia and Matanel Laiany, and that’s wonderful. But what will happen next week? In two weeks, will you remember to check with your kids what’s happening in their classroom? Is there one kid that everyone mocks? Runs away from? Do you even know the social dynamics in your daughter’s group chats?
Parents whose children are very sensitive or are suffering at school usually know about it and do everything they can to help. But parents whose kids go to school happily and return without troubling stories often don’t pay attention to this issue — and that can be a problem.
Because even good kids — polite kids, kids who like everyone — can find themselves swept up by the group, joining in on an unsuccessful joke or taking part in a boycott without understanding how hurtful it is. It doesn’t happen out of malice, but from the power of the moment, from the social need to belong. And sometimes it also comes from fear — the fear of being different, the fear of being alone, or the fear of being the next kid everyone laughs at. Most children simply want to stay part of the group at any cost.
And this is exactly where our role begins. To see what they sometimes don’t see, and to ask what they won’t say on their own. The school of course has significant responsibility, but it doesn’t always see the full picture. A teacher meets the class for short periods, while our conversations with our children are what reveal what’s really going on. These conversations are what teach values.
How involved do we need to be?
We are not supposed to be overly involved in the social world of our children, certainly not as they grow older. Our kids are supposed to choose their own friends and manage these friendships independently. But we do need to be aware of the social dynamics around them, and above all, to ask questions.
You can ask your children if there is a kid in the class nobody plays with; when there is a class trip, you can ask if there is someone who will sit alone; if there’s a birthday party or other celebration, ask whether all the kids were invited. You will be surprised to find that your children have answers — and insights — on this topic. And even if not, the mere fact that you ask teaches them to ask themselves, to keep an eye out.
In the first years of having a mobile phone, it is important to teach correct behavior and also to check WhatsApp occasionally — not to spy and not behind their back — and to see that there is no bullying against any child. Much of the toxicity of this generation appears in this arena, and we cannot ignore it. I personally have contacted parents in the class and the homeroom teacher more than once when I saw that class WhatsApp conversations were heading in a bad direction. This is a way to talk to the kids before the situation escalates.
And there are more opportunities to talk about this important issue — when a certain event hits the headlines, when kids go to a school play on the topic, or when you watch a series together and there’s a relevant scene. The more you bring up the subject, and bravely, the lower the chances that something will happen right under your nose. And the more you talk about it and make these values present — the greater the chance your children will adopt them.
Are you setting a good personal example?
But as important as it is to talk about the issue and ask questions — nothing is more important than personal example. If we want to teach our kids sensitivity to others, acceptance of others, and fairness, we must behave that way ourselves.
If in your child’s class you are in a separate WhatsApp group only for the moms of the “popular kids” — it is likely the children will also create such painful separations. If at class events you sit as a small, closed-off group and no one can approach you, your children learn that this is legitimate. If you whisper gossip about this dad or that mom and think your kids don’t hear, you’re wrong. They hear every little remark and see all our behaviors. And if we want to teach our kids to behave with social responsibility, we must do so ourselves.
And this is true in every social arena — in your relationship with other parents in the class, with their teachers, and in the way you relate to your neighbors and friends. The way parents behave in the world is permission for their kids to behave the same way. If we act in a forceful, dismissive, or exclusionary way — no matter how much we preach to our children about social boycotts and bullying — it won’t help. Children learn from actions, not words.
Empathy and sensitivity are traits that are learned, strengthened, and embedded at home. In every glance, every small remark, every situation in which we choose to truly see another person.
A parent said my son hurt his son. What do we do now?
This is a question I encounter often, and it’s truly a very difficult situation. First, if another parent contacts you to say that your child teased, hit, insulted, or excluded their child — tell them you’re glad they informed you and that you are taking care of the issue. Don’t enter a battle of versions and don’t get defensive.
When you talk to your child — preferably after you’ve calmed down — begin by simply and honestly asking what exactly happened. Your child’s version also matters, and it’s important to hear it.
Then you can have a conversation and ask — how do you think that child felt? How would you feel in his place? Has this ever happened to you? You can tell your child about a similar experience from your own childhood. If he feels overwhelmed, you can ask him to think about it and continue the conversation later. And in serious cases, you can consider an apology together.
In any case, in such a conversation we must try to lower the level of anger and criticism as much as possible, because otherwise the child will shut down and won’t answer us. We need to come with an open heart, so our child can open their heart too. And we need to return to the topic later — to keep asking and stay involved. It’s also important to get back to the other parent to let them know you are addressing the issue, that you are a point of contact.
As parents, we must remember that our children are dealing with a social arena that is not simple at all. We often ask them to say “no” to peer pressure, but sometimes it is simply too difficult, especially in adolescence, when friends are almost the whole world.
Therefore, it is important to speak to them honestly about this complexity, and to explain that if they are afraid to intervene or don’t know how to stop bullying when they see it, it doesn’t mean they are weak or bad. It just means they are kids in a complicated reality. It’s important that they know they always have someone to turn to: To you, to the teacher, or to any adult they truly trust. Sometimes our children need us right in that moment to stop something from escalating, and that too is taking responsibility.
When we teach a child to take responsibility — whether by themselves or by turning to a responsible adult — to understand the pain of others, and to be brave enough to say “I was wrong,” we give them a tool for life — something that will serve them in every relationship, every social circle, and especially within themselves.
Because in the end, it’s not just about the child who was hurt and not just about the child who caused harm. It’s about the society we are building — one where there is room for everyone, one that repairs, that lifts others up. If we succeed in conveying this to them — not in words but through a living, ongoing example — we can raise a generation that not only avoids social boycotts but knows how to see people. Truly see them.
Yifat Sani is a certified Adler Institute parent counselor. Specializes in early childhood and adolescence.