It’s very important that people know that I really enjoy everything that has happened to me. And I tell my kids... you’re not going to be the tallest, fastest, prettiest, the best track runner, but you can be the nicest human being that someone has ever met in their life. And I just want to leave that legacy that being nice is a true treasure.
– George Foreman
This week’s Torah portion of Ki Teitzei is packed with more commandments than any other parasha of the Torah. Near and dear to my heart is the issue of inheritance. “If a man has two wives – one beloved and the other despised – and they bear him sons, the beloved one and the despised one, and the firstborn son is from the despised one, on the day that he bequeaths his estate to his sons, he will not able to give the son of the beloved one birthright precedence over the son of the despised one, who is the firstborn son. Rather, he must acknowledge the firstborn – the son of the despised one – by giving him a double share of all that he possesses, because he is the first product of his virility; the birthright entitlement is therefore his” (Deuteronomy 21:15-17).
The Talmud (Baba Batra) talks about how a person is able to distribute his entire estate to whoever he wants: son, daughter, friend etc., if it is given as a gift. But if he chooses to go the route of inheritance, then he is unable to deny his firstborn son’s rights as a natural heir, regardless of his love or hatred of the mother.
When sitting with clients when issues of estate planning come up, far too often I hear, “Our kids are great and get along so well with each other. After we pass, they will sort out the estate in a fair and equal way – we totally trust them.” I can tell you that even in the best of families, money issues bring out the worst in siblings. That’s why family courts are full of siblings contesting wills!
I can’t stress enough the importance of equality in the will. You need to leave equal amounts to each child. If you want to help certain adult children more when you are alive, go for it. If you have a child who is about to make an exit on their successful start-up and stands to make tens or hundreds of millions of dollars and another child who is a teacher married to a social worker and struggling financially, I don’t think you need to feel guilty if you help out the struggling couple with their children’s braces.
But in your will, it has to be equal. It’s not even about the money. It’s the emotional connection with you and your children. I have seen lots of dirty laundry come out when siblings start fighting about inheritance. It usually has to do with one child thinking that they were less loved because when they were eight, Mom bought them a pack of baseball cards, but bought a new pair of shoes for his sister. It seems crazy, but I know stories of siblings that have literally harbored resentment towards another sibling because of a $5 slight, 30 years ago.
Proper estate planning can help keep sibling harmony
Lee Woodruff at AARP.org writes about how proper estate planning can help keep sibling harmony. She quotes Lee Hausner, author of Children of Paradise: Successful Parenting for Prosperous Families, who says, “At the estate level, everything needs to be absolutely equitable; otherwise, we sow the seeds of ‘psychological cancer cells.’ Unless there is some real reason why the estate plan should not be equal, you create the possibility of chaos in the family when they are gone. It’s easy for things to devolve into ‘Mom loved you more than me.’
“Parents give to their children over a lifetime. With gifting, it doesn’t necessarily have to be exactly even. Parents can directly pay for things like education or family trips and can work out a way to balance things if one sibling is struggling and the other is well off. But in death, it’s important to think about keeping it equal, because you won’t be around to talk it out.”
No matter how great you think your children are, do everyone a favor, and create a will where assets are split evenly among your children. You will end up saving your heirs time, money, and lots of emotional energy.
The information contained in this article reflects the opinion of the author and not necessarily the opinion of Portfolio Resources Group, Inc. or its affiliates.
Aaron Katsman is the author of Retirement GPS: How to Navigate Your Way to A Secure Financial Future with Global Investing. www.gpsinvestor.com; aaron@lighthousecapital.co.il